Joanne's Transformation
Despair, grief, heartache, isolation were not a stranger to me. I recall as a child of 4 feeling so unimportant. I was subjected to a lot of negativity, verbal/mental/physical and sexual abuse. My childhood and my soul were violated at such a tender age, and that's when, I "decided" to hide my face so the world would never find me.....
I had many years of nightmares that in the long run, I was subjected to insomnia. I was sent to a physiologist when I was 10 and concluded that I was dyslexic, I struggled even more. I was a child who hardly cried or smiled. I prayed to God to die during the day and I prayed to God at night to keep me alive..... At the age of 9, I taught myself to read music and play the organ. This was a way for me to survive. There, I would drift away into "my" secret garden. As a teenager, I pushed myself to stand out to excel in sports which in return gave me validation. I knew that I had to keep myself occupied but didn't know why or what I was running from. Through high school, I started to self mutilate and thoughts of suicide pondered. I saw the school's social worker and never spoke of my past or what I was doing. I was terrified she'd tell my parents and I didn't want to deal that. All I wanted from her really, was a presence, she was all I had really… she was someone who acknowledge my "being". I went through high school never thinking that I would live past the age of 15. I struggled to get good grades, and required tutoring. I didn't have many friends due to the fact that I had a very hard time trusting. I stayed alone with my feelings and alone I felt. I hated the world..... At the age of 19, I moved out on my own. I thought that things would change but the patterns followed and I felt even more disconnected. I didn't know much about life skills, I felt like I had no roots, and I continued to rebel in my own little way. The depression did not subside and I isolated myself even more. At the age of 21, I attend an open house for survivors of abuse. Not knowing what was to be expected.... that night, was the first time I had ever spoken to anyone about my past, a room full of strangers who afterwards didn't feel like strangers. Although, my life somewhat changed, I still struggled. I was in therapy for many years after I sought professional help. I had a very hard time trusting and "trying" to convince myself that it would be for my own benefit to talk about my "saga", but just couldn't do it, there was a lot of shame and embarrassment. The migraines and nightmares continued and my behavior wasn't improving either and I still continued to self mutilate. Nothing seemed to be working, so I decided to stop the therapy, I simply gave up.....it felt like a shore never reached..... Years went by, and I still managed to "function". Then one day, it hit me, the emotional trauma had once again confronted me. I then sought help from my family doctor and was prescribed medication. I was taking 12 pills a day just to try and help me function. I plunged deeper into the depression even though I was on medication, it seemed like my body was just simply shutting itself down. That's when I found myself at the age of 30 something in the hospital under surveillance from trying to take my own life and was then admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I had the "choice" to face the facts or go back to how I was before. I found this to be the hardest thing to do. Feelings started to surface, that I didn't even knew existed, my body ached, I cried like I never cried before, it felt like my whole body was going to explode. It was so intense, I self mutilated continuously… the emotional pain was to intense for me, I thought if I did this, it would help me forget about what was going on deep down inside. Not until the day I "decided" to reach out and actually show someone, did the wounds start to heal, afterwards, I didn't feel the need to hurt myself again. The people at the hospital never went against me, they were all for me and was there every step of the way, there were very compassionate and gracious. All through this "saga", very few people knew what I was going through, not even my family. You see, I was like the "Phantom of the Opera"..... Once I left the hospital, I was a little more stable and able to function while still on medication. Things started looking up and then I was introduced to alternative medicine/meditation/personal growth. My body needed a change, it had endured enough, I wanted a new lead on life. In February 2000, I met Louise and she introduced me to WEL-Systems, an approach to profound and generative change. We exchanged e-mails and did one-on-one coaching, and the more I got to know Louise, the more I knew that I had met the person I was so longing waiting for. Louise once told me that safety resides in the truth and the "truth" is what I saw in her, and from then on, I knew that I would never ever be alone again. I then participated in a weekend course, and noticed more things had begun to change, slowly I started to make peace with myself and things just started flowing into place. I also knew that before I could change anything else, I had to change the conversation I was having with "myself". So by taking tinier steps and asking for help, I knew that this would change my life profoundly. I then decided to take the first program level in the WEL-Systems small group intensives (www.PortalsPassages.com) that they were offering in March of 2001. That first program began a dance that would see me complete the first three levels - and get my life back! The WEL-Systems material was an invitation to dance the dance of LIFE. For the first time, I was able to begin to live a life I never thought possible and yes... I "BREATHED" for the very first time....!!! What life altering moments!!! Even though it was challenging at times, I knew that this was all a part of my healing process. I had to come face to face with the fact that this was crucial for me to heal and evolve. My prayers had been answered, my soul had finally found what it was so yearning for; the Freedom, Hope and Destiny. WEL-Systems® has changed my life totally. My reality expanded, my self-esteem grew, my body stopped hurting and my soul began to flourish. One of the best things about it all is that there's no need for sharing your "saga", no story telling, it's all done with dignity and grace. All of this did not come over night, it took some time for me to be
able to absorb these massive insights, my thought process was never
to be the same. I started to "pay attention" and asking for
what I wanted in life instead of what I didn't want. I allowed myself
not to know. Today, I know that my life was and is all "normal", it's all in how way we perceive our lives that makes the difference. I depend on the courage of my questions which improved my life tremendously that I no longer see my past as my life. I have all the confidence and understanding that this is the path that is beneficial for me. Today, Louise and I are close and dear friends, my life has changed profoundly since we've met. Louise is the most caring, compassionate and humble person I know. She lives in my heart and soul. Know that you are never alone and that your past is not your life. "Life" is with you, not against you. Let life guide you on your journey down the road that never ends, and if you listen closely, there is a song in your heart, all you'll have to do is listen...... Today, I'm a single mother of a very beautiful 14 month old daughter
and the rest my friends is history...... Joanne M. (Babette), Gatineau Quebec |
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The
older I got, the harder it was for me to cope and I hadn't even reached
puberty yet. My self esteem seemed to be buried underground, I felt
lost, confused, lonely and miserable. I was constantly afraid of being
punished or beaten that I became extremely accident prone. My emotional
state was horrendous, I was so afraid to just "BE" me.