Jean's Awakening

I am very excited (to continue in this journey). I don’t know where this journey I am on is going to take me but I am very eager to continue it. Over the past week I found myself restless, wondering what’s next, what now, seemingly rushing , trying so hard to get to that state where “ I am one with the universe”. After several days of this “restlessness” it came to me that I needed to pay more attention to the journey rather than the destination, for it truly is a journey.

I am becoming increasingly more aware, more aware of what is going on both inside and around me. It seems now that there is a consequence for most “inattentive” moments I experience, gently reminding me to pay attention, to stay in the moment. Funny thing, when most of my moments in the past were lived in a state of “unconsciousness” with seemingly few consequences. And as I type this note, I realize I spent my life just “rolling with the punches” totally unaware, until the punches became so big, (cancer, tumours , death of my sister/mother, a marriage in turmoil) that I could no longer roll with them. And as I become more aware, I realize I no longer have the kind of energy I used to have…. the energy to bulldoze on, somehow managing to push away the obstacles in my path, to get to a place where I could once again seemingly function…survive.

I look back on my life with wonderment, unsure how I ever survived as long as I did. And I find myself in a place where I can no longer live that way, live in survival mode, always hyper vigilant, unconscious of what is going on around me. I can no longer ignore the things around me that I have ignored in the past, and aware at the same time that in the past I was consciously unaware that they were even happening.

My eyes are open now, more than ever, and things continue to change .

And as I dispel the limiting beliefs and cultural conditioning that were me, I stand in a place, on a platform where I can now create my own experience, yet still uncertain as to how to go about that in terms of what’s next for me. At the same time, as I stand on this platform, I am becoming more aware of who I am, what I believe in. Independent , after having lived my life totally dependant on others. Loving and Caring in a way that no longer means enabling others around me in their self destructive behaviours, Speaking my own truth, a little more eloquently now, not forcing my opinions on others. I realize now that I never knew who I was, never even gave it a thought…yes I believe this is exactly where I am supposed to be on this journey, getting to know who I am, what I am about.

Jean B, Ottawa, Ontario